We're not fat enough with just three meals?

Like all right-thinking Americans with a rudimentary knowledge of the legal system, I mocked those idiots who tried to sue McDonald's because they got fat eating McDonald's food. But now I'm thinking they might have had a point. No, not in the sense that they deserved to win the lawsuit. Aside from the fact that I'm still a big believer in personal responsibility, if McDonald's had been forced to pay them even one cent, it would have had horrible implications for the economy.

But at the same time, I'm hearing radio ads for Taco Bell, promoting their stupid "Fourth Meal," and now Domino's is offering brownie squares along with their pizza. Brownie squares with fudge dipping sauce. Who the hell finishes having pizza and wants to know, "What's for dessert?" (And "Fudgums," that walking brownie that leaves chocolate stains on anyone or anything it touches, kind of freaks me out.)

I don't have a problem with these places trying to maximize profits, but can they do it without seeming like they're deliberately trying to fatten us up? Did none of you see that Twilight Zone episode, "To Serve Man"? Granted, there are other risks associated with obesity, like stroke, heart attack, or diabetes, that are probably more likely than that of aliens taking us away to their home planet to eat. But can we totally rule out the possibility?

I don't see how.

The real story behind the Snyder/Cruise deal

The worlds of sports and entertainment are still recovering from news that Dan Snyder and Tom Cruise are joining forces against all that is good and decent. Today's Post has more on the story, but it's really interesting seeing what Danny-boy has to say on the subject. Let's take a look:

Dan says: "Paula and Tom have a superior instinct for developing and producing films with universal appeal, creating an alliance that goes beyond traditional film financing models and serves as an exceptional investment for us."

Dan means: "They know how to get 15 year old boys into theaters by releasing completely plot-free films with lots of shit blowing up. Oh, and that 20% of the gross Cruise has always gotten? Not while he's on my team."

But let's be honest, here. Money aside, there's one reason why Dan Snyder--a short, dark haired man in his early forties--would want to partner up with Tom Cruise--also a short, dark haired man in his early forties, albeit, a much, much better looking one--and one reason only. He'll bankroll whatever vanity projects Cruise wants to do, so long as Cruise also signs on for the one project near and dear to Dan Snyder's heart.

The Dan Snyder Story starring Tom Cruise as Dan Snyder.

Think about it. You know I'm right.

But I'd also like to take this opportunity to apologize to the rest of America, and indeed, the world. See, up until now, we here in DC have done a pretty good job of containing Snyder. He's been our headache, but he's gone largely unnoticed outside the immediate region. Clearly, that's no longer the case.

Yesterday, no one outside the area had any idea who he was.

This morning, they know him as the nut job who partnered up with Tom Cruise.

Soon, they'll almost certainly be thinking of him as, "The asshole from DC."

So I do apologize, America. We tried our best to keep his evil from spreading, but in the end, it was just too strong.

Proof that the end is nigh

Hell has frozen over.

Pigs are flying

Cats and dogs are living together in perfect harmony.

And Jeff George is once again an NFL quarterback.

If this isn't one of the signs of the Apocalypse, it damn well ought to be.

Dan Snyder is Maverick's new wingman

Tom Cruise has cut a deal with a group that includes the owner of the Washington Redskins to finance the overhead costs of his film production company, sources close to the negotiations said today.

Redskins owner Daniel M. Snyder, chairman of Six Flags Inc., is said to be a leading investor in an agreement that would give Cruise less than $3 million annually to finance staff and office expenses. In exchange, Snyder and the others will have the ability to finance movies developed by Cruise and his producing partner, Paula Wagner. (LA Times)

Holy shit, this is just like in comics when two supervillains team up in order to take over the world. The only question is, who will turn on who first?

Tourist season post mortem

When football season winds down, the coaching staff typically gathers together and discusses what worked and what didn't. I think it's time that DC residents started doing the same at the end of each tourist season.

Of course, the purpose of this exercise isn't to figure out how to make tourist season more enjoyable for tourists. Because who cares about them? No, it's to make next summer more tolerable for those of us who live and work here.

Metro escalators

Once again, there was much bitching and moaning about how mean and horrible people in DC are because we insist on being able to walk/run on the left, and get irate if, say, some clueless Midwesterner is blocking our way.

If anything, I think we were too lenient with these people. When you can't even politely say, "Excuse me," to some tourist without getting dirty looks and angry mutters about how everyone in DC thinks they're so important, clearly, more drastic measures are called for.

Handguns aren't allowed in DC, but how about cattle prods? Brass knuckles? Mace? (And I don't mean the spray, I mean the medieval weapon used to bash people's heads in. It's a little known fact that even in the Dark Ages, there was a tourist problem in the larger cities, and the mace was specifically invented to deal with them. It tended to work spectacularly.)

T-shirts

Call me corny, but I always get a warm, fuzzy feeling when I see a tourist wearing an "I (heart) DC" shirt. Conversely, I go into a blind rage when I see someone wearing a shirt that says, "I (heart) somewhere-other-than DC." Doubly so when it's an, "I (heart) NY" shirt.

While you're here, you either proclaim your love for DC or you get the hell out, you damn ingrates.

Can't we do luggage searches to make sure such offensive material never makes it into the city? Certainly, some sort of fine should be imposed if someone is spotted wearing one. Maybe a little jail time, too. You throw some New Yorker into a DC holding cell with that shirt on, he'll learn pretty fast how we feel about such vulgar displays.

Stupid questions

No, I'm not proposing we stop answering tourists' questions. I'm not that mean. I don't even have a problem answering the dumb questions. Which is good, because they're basically all dumb.

For example, two weeks ago, I was walking out of my office building, and someone standing outside staring dumbly at the doors asked me if the Metro was inside. And this was an American, not some tourist from a foreign country that, for all I know, has its subway stops inside office buildings. But I just said no, and pointed them in the right direction. No big deal.

However, I do think such helpfulness should be rewarded. I propose DC distribute punch cards to residents, similar to those cards Subway used to have before they realized their customers were ripping them off en masse. Then put a little hole puncher in each hotel room. Answer a question for a tourist in a helpful manner, get your card punched. After 10 punches, you can trade it in for a free latte or get a speeding ticket taken off your record or something. Everyone wins!

Photographs

Perhaps the one area DC residents have consistently shown considerable patience with tourists, is when it comes to their taking photos of our landmarks. If we see someone taking a picture of his family in front of the White House or Capitol, we'll either stop and wait for them to finish, or go out of our way to walk behind him. In fact, in the almost twenty years I've lived here, I have yet to see anyone intentionally walk in front of a tourist taking a picture. Even when said tourist takes...fucking...forever...to...take...the...damn...picture.

This made sense when all cameras used film, and a screwed up photo might have been the last one in the roll. But now, with digital cameras being so widely used, does it really make much sense to coddle tourists in this regard? Suppose I walk right in front of someone taking a picture. Can't they just take another one and then delete the first photo?

Okay, not everyone is using digital. There are still some people who, for whatever reason, are still using film. So I'm willing to be a little patient on this one. But I do think a gradual phase-out of this behavior makes sense, with a total elimination by 2010. At that point, I'm declaring it open season on walking in front of people with cameras. If you want to wait, that's fine, but you no longer have to.

Interns

In a way, they're almost worse than tourists. Tourists stay for a few days. A week at most. Interns are here for a good 2-3 months, sometimes longer. If tourists are cold sores, interns are herpes.

I say that much like truck drivers, interns should be forced to wear a phone number on their back at all times, where we can report their often horrendous behavior.

See an intern getting drunk at a bar and acting like a jackass?

Is an intern hitting on you incessantly, by bragging about how important his job is?

Will an intern not shut up about some issue, because he's suddenly become a policy expert after all of three days on the job?

Just ask him to turn around, and look for the sign that says, "How's my interning? Give Senator Brownback a call at (202) 224-6521." Then do it. Seriously, this would solve so many problems.

Well, that's about it for this tourist season. Good job, everyone. Let's meet back at the start of next season, and talk about how we can put a few of these ideas into action. Until then, have a fun, safe, and hopefully tourist free fall, winter and spring.

Comic of the Week: Justice League of America #1

Justice League of America #1
"Life" by Brad Meltzer & Ed Benes
Published by DC Comics ($3.99)

Every ten years or so, DC's flagship title runs out of gas and needs a complete relaunch. Twenty years ago, it was revamped as a superhero comedy--which I know sounds really bad, but actually worked--with a bunch of second and third string characters. Ten years ago, DC returned the book to straight-up action, featuring the company's biggest characters. Now, best-selling novelist (and comic book writer, and former DC area resident) Brad Meltzer manages to give it a distinct Silver Age feel, while at the same time, setting it firmly in the current, darker DCU.

I'm a fan of Meltzer's, but as both a comic book writer and a novelist, I've found him somewhat inconsistent. (The Tenth Justice and The Zero Game are awesome, The Millionaires and Dead Even are pretty bad, and The First Counsel is somewhere in-between. And yes, I am bringing this up mainly to prove that I don't just read comic books.) In regards to his comics, his Green Arrow arc was okay, and Identity Crisis alternated between moments of utter brilliance and utter stupidity.

So I really wasn't sure what to expect here. Additionally, DC has been keeping the new JLA line-up a secret, but I inadvertently managed to spoil myself a couple of days before reading the book. And to say I was underwhelmed would be an understatement. Vixen? Black Lightning? Arsenal? Red Tornado?!? Red Tornado, maybe the most boring character in comic book history? Ugh.

Amazingly, though, Meltzer manages to pull off a great story in spite of the characters he's chosen to use. Even though we're only two issues into his twelve-issue run, this is already the best comic book work he's done. (Yes, two issues in. No, your math isn't bad. There was a #0 issue released last month that served as a set-up to the series. Yes, comic book companies sometimes release #0 issues. Yes, it is a stupid gimmick.)

Synopsis:

As Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman debate who should be in the reformed JLA, the soon-to-be inducted members go about their business: a "dead" Red Tornado looks to trade his android body in for a better model, Green Lantern and Black Canary break the news to Green Arrow that he's sitting this one out, Vixen finds out that her secret admirer isn't so admiring, Hal Jordan and Arsenal have a heart-to-heart talk, and Black Lighting hangs out with a junkie. And as is often the case, an unseen villain plots.

* There's nothing Meltzer seems to love more than writing heart-to-heart talks between superheroes and former sidekicks. Along with the main character getting fired at the end of all of his novels, it's probably his most recognizable trope.

Line of the Week:

"Please, Bruce. This is old already."--Superman

Overall grade: A

Heathers 2? Really? Yeah, I dunno...

Actor Christian Slater is to team up with Winona Ryder for a 'Heathers' sequel.
...
Speaking to Entertainment Weekly, Ryder said: "I don't know how much is official; it's a way away. But it takes place in Washington and Christian Slater agreed to come back and make an Obi-Wan-type appearance. It's very funny." (Entertainmentwise)

Heathers is one of the first movies I saw as a kid that really made me go, "Holy shit," at certain parts. It definitely provided a nice counterbalance to all those vastly overrated, saccharine John Hughes films from the 80s, where everyone is basically nice, and at the end they've all learned a valuable lesson about life and love. As such, I'm more or less inclined to think that doing a sequel is a terrible, terrible idea. But if the original writer and director thinks he has something more to do with the characters, I guess it could be good.

In the very least, I suppose it's preferable to some idiot 25 year old studio exec realizing his company owns the rights to the movie, and deciding to do a remake starring Lindsey Lohan and Chad Michael Murray.

Katherine Harris really is nucking futs

This interview with Katherine Harris might be the best one ever conducted in the history of interviewing. Some of the best comments:

Are you involved in a local place of worship? If so, in what way?

...My brother-in-law is a Christian singer who has won number one song of the year, every year, his name is Wes King. So, I had a godly family.

Every year? Wow, that's quite an accomplishment. Going back how far? Forever? I call bullshit. And who uses the word "godly" anymore?

Are you certain in your own heart that when you come to that point of accounting that you’ll spend eternity with God in Heaven?

No question.

Eternity with Katherine Harris. I'll bet God is thrilled. (Actually, he probably is. If I had the chance to spend eternity with Katherine Harris, I'd jump at the chance. Talk about an opportunity for neverending entertainment.)

One day when you stand before God, if He says to you, “Why should I let you into my Heaven?” What you would say in response?

That’s an interesting question. Because I loved Your Son and because I know He died for my sins. I know He was resurrected at Your right hand and I served Him. You know we’re covered with, our sins are covered with His blood and so we are blameless before Him. We are as white as snow.

Racist! No, just kidding. Actually, I have a bigger problem with the question than the answer. Why is a religious publication positing the idea that God gives people quizes at the gates of Heaven? I mean, the Man is omnipotent. He knows whether or not people deserve to get in. Or is this like the personal statement part of a college application, where you can attempt to explain away a lousy GPA and SAT score by trying to convince the admin board that you should be let in on account of what a swell person you are?

What role do you think people of faith should play in politics and government?

...and we have to have the faithful in government and over time, that lie we have been told, the separation of church and state, people have internalized, thinking that they needed to avoid politics and that is so wrong because God is the one who chooses our rulers.

By "our," does she mean "America's"? Because otherwise, she's saying that God chose Sadamm Husain, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Kim Jong Il. And following that logic, by deposing Saddam, and trying to undermine any other regime we don't like, aren't we essentially defying God's will?

I won't even get into how disturbing it is whenever a political candidate basically makes the case for an American theocracy. But if she loses, does that mean she'll acknowedge it was God's will?

Do you support civil rights protections on the basis of sexual preference?

Civil rights have to do with individual rights and I don’t think they apply to the gay issues. I have not supported gay marriage and I do not support any civil rights actions with regard to homosexuality.

Whew. Thank God there are no homosexuals in Florida. Otherwise, that comment could cost her.

What public policy limits on abortion have you supported or will you support in order to decrease the number of abortions in our nation?

First and foremost, one of the most important things we can do is encourage abstinence in the schools. That’s really important. The Promise Keepers and some of the things that they’ve been able to do with dads and their daughters, it’s really important.

Holy shit, Promise Keepers?!? A serious candidate for the US Senate just name checked the fucking Promise Keepers? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!! Quick, someone on Harris's staff needs to get Jessica Simpson and her dad to campaign for her, stat!

What is your view of Gov. Bush’s efforts on behalf of Terri Schiavo?

Well, we voted in the United States House of Representatives to preserve her life. I voted to support her life. I supported (Bush’s) efforts. I took a more pro-active stance than any primary or general election candidate because I actually voted to support her life.

Er...yeah, Katie. It's because you have the slight advantage of actually being in Congress. You can't really blame your primary opponents for not voting to keep Schiavo alive, since they didn't actually...you know...have votes.

Is there something wrong with Florida and federal statutes when a severely brain-damaged woman who’s not in the process of dying can be starved and dehydrated to death by her husband with the assistance of the courts?

It’s unconscionable. Having a feeding tube and being hydrated are not life-sustaining. If that were the case then you’d have to take a look at prisoners. I mean, we provide them food and hydration.

Wait, I'm lost. Did Katherine Harris just suggest we stop feeding prisoners? What a bizarre way of making a point. And by bizarre, I mean brilliant! This way, Harris can basically advocate any position she wants, so long as we also apply it to prisoners.

What is your view on state funding of embryonic stem cell research?

I am adamantly opposed to embryonic stem cell research and voted as such. I’m the only candidate in the primary or general who’s voted against embryonic stem cell research and has voted for cord blood research and adult stem cell research.

Seriously, how can you take credit for being the only person to vote for or against something, when you're the only one who's in Congress? Nutty broad.

Why should Florida Baptists care about this primary election?

...No other candidate can beat Bill Nelson except for me. No one even has a chance because of name identification and fund raising abilities and things like that.

Exactly. Except for EVERY SINGLE POLL that indicates she's pretty much the only candidate who CAN'T beat Nelson.

If you are not electing Christians, tried and true, under public scrutiny and pressure, if you’re not electing Christians then in essence you are going to legislate sin.

Only slightly more disturbing than an American political candidate encouraging theocracy, is one who is basically cribbing talking points from the Taliban.

Honestly, up until now, I've been rooting for Katherine Harris to win the primary, because A) It would pretty much guarantee Bill Nelson wins reelection, and B) It would give us a couple more months of Katherine Harris goodness. In my darker moments, I've sort of wondered if whether her winning the general election would be that bad. Just think of the comedic possibilities. Hell, Wonkette could just change its name to Katherine Harris Number One Fan Site, and it would practically write itself.

But after reading this interview, I find myself somewhat disturbed. This isn't some slightly nuts, but ultimately harmless, politician like Cynthia McKinney. This is a highly disturbed individual, who probably shouldn't be allowed to leave her home unattended, much less, hold one of the most powerful offices in the nation.

I'm officially endorsing her primary opponents. I don't care which one. But come on, Florida. I know you've gotten this rep for being crazy over the past few years, but you really don't want to go this crazy.

Linda Cropp or sun, surf, and bikinis? Hmm. Tough choice...

Cropp says she welcomes the mayor's visible assistance her campaign officials say Williams has been asked to campaign for her, as long as he's in town. Williams aides say the mayor might take a Caribbean vacation over the traditionally busy Labor Day weekend. (WJLA)

Good to see Mayor Williams has his priorities in order. (That's said without any sarcasm, by the way. Taking a Caribbean vacation should always trump stumping for candidates, especially ones who are sucking in the polls.)

I've never really understood the unholy marriage of Williams and Cropp that's developed ever since he gave her his endorsement. Did the man not pay attention during the whole baseball thing? At least Fenty made no secret about trying to derail the deal. Cropp stabbed Williams in the back, dressed the wound when he complained, and then happily stabbed him again when he turned back around.

My theory is that Williams knows there's a least a chance that Fenty could turn out to be a good mayor, and manage to overshadow his accomplishments (however limited they might be). With Cropp, that threat obviously doesn't exist.

No Robins allowed

Christopher Nolan has made it clear that the new "Batman" film franchise will not bring Robin into the mythology as long as he is directing, apparently having stated that Robin is in a crib somewhere still and the timeline isn't appropriate for him to enter the picture. (Movies Online)

Well, he's wrong about the crib comment--if that were the case, Batman would be about 40 by the time they met--but I am glad they're keeping Robin out of the movies. It's a pretty gutsy stand, as WB can't be too happy at missing out on millions of dollars of revenue from various Robin merchandise.

Don't get me wrong, I do like the character. But like a lot of characters who work well in comic books, Robin simply doesn't translate to a live action movie. There's no way you can see a 12 or 13 year old kid kicking some goon's ass on the big screen, and have it look even remotely realistic. And Chris O'Donnell proved that an adult Robin is a lousy idea. (Batman Forever wasn't quite as bad as people make it out to be, especially compared to its sequel, but it definitely demonstrated why Batman is better off working solo in the movies.)

The only way I could see Robin being successfully integrated into the film franchise is if they messed around with the continuity of the comics--something they did quite well in Batman Begins--and have Jason Todd be the first Robin. Then compress his entire saga into two hours. (Not counting his recent and incredibly ill-advised resurrection as a villain.)

So it would go something like this: Batman takes him under his wing and trains him, Jason becomes Robin, Batman realizes that Jason isn't the most stable kid in the world and that he's probably made a big mistake, Jason gets beaten to death by the Joker, Batman gets revenge. End credits.

That's a movie that could work.

I'm enlisting in the war. The war against porn, that is!

Pornographic movies available in the rooms of some of America's best known hotel chains have caught the attention of conservative activists.

A coalition of 13 conservative groups -- including the Family Research Council and Concerned Women for America -- took out full-page ads this month urging the Justice Department and FBI to investigate whether some of the pay-per-view movies widely available in hotels violate federal and state obscenity laws. (Chicago Sun Times)

Normally I dislike and distrust any organization with the word "Family" in its title. But as much as I hate to admit it, for once, I'm with the conservatives.

Not because I find porn obscene or offensive. (I'm a Democrat. I don't find anything obscene. Hell, if it were up to me, Janet Jackson would perform at every Super Bowl.) It's that hotel porn is just...skeevy. I mean, who wants to sleep in a bed, knowing that the night before, some guy might have gone to town while laying there, bathed in the warm glow of Spectravision? Even if the hotel did change the sheets. (And in some places, that's hardly a given.)

Plus, whenever I go on a business trip, I always have this (admittedly completely irrational) fear that I'll accidentally be charged for a porn, and I'll have to explain to my supervisor why the bill says I enjoyed some movie called Butt Pirates of the Caribbean or something. And even if the title doesn't show up on the bill, come on, that's what the natural assumption is going to be. Who actually watches regular movies in hotel rooms, anyway?

So preach on, my conservative brothers and sisters. In this case, we stand completely united. And whenever you guys want to resume the fight against SpongeBob and the Teletubbies for being subversive homosexual influences on young, innocent children, I'll get your back on that one, too.

Fenty and Cropp breathe huge sighs of relief

"Tomorrow, 11 a.m., outside the Wilson Building," was about as much info as we could get out of the campaign volunteer. The call was followed up by an email adding that the press conference would include a "major announcement regarding his plans for the future."

Uh oh. We might be jumping the gun here, but we're guessing that Brown, who we interviewed earlier this year, is bowing out of the race. (DCist)

Dear God, Michael Brown dropping out would throw the entire election into chaos. Why, this would put a good...what? Ten, maybe twenty votes up for grabs? One can only imagine that right now, Fenty and Cropp are frantically calling Brown's office, trying to get his endorsement.

Okay, that was sort of mean. But as I've said before, I don't really like any of the mayoral candidates, so I'm not going to get too upset when they start dropping like flies. Besides, at this point, no one aside from Fenty and Cropp has a chance anyway, so what does it matter if the other candidates end their campaigns now, as opposed to having their campaigns ended for them on the day of the primary?

I will say this, though. Having seen all the candidates speak, Brown was the only one who really displayed any personality whatsoever. I guess you can afford to when you're down by like, a gazillion points in the polls. If DC voters were electing a city toastmaster instead of a mayor, I'd give him my endorsement without question.

In fact, if I were Linda Cropp, I might well offer to create such a position in order to get Brown on my side. Having him attend her campaign events and dazzle voters with his abundance of personality might be really effective in distracting them from realizing that Cropp has none of her own.

The Tower falls down

Tower Records, the iconic chain where generations of music lovers have gone to lose themselves in record-store reveries, is up for sale in bankruptcy court, forsaken by consumers who favor digital music and discounts at big-box superstores.
...
Lisa Amore, a spokeswoman for the Sacramento-based Tower, said the company hopes to keep the brand alive. "As of today, we have no intention of closing any stores," she said. The company has two interested buyers, according to Bloomberg News. (Washington Post)

Uh-huh. Buyers for the Tower name and the one or two highest profile locations, maybe, similar to what happened with F.A.O. Schwarz. But every store? Not a chance. I think it's safe to say that the DC area can kiss its Towers goodbye.

I find it difficult to feel too much sympathy for all these music store chains that are dying off. They were complicit, after all (Tower, especially), in the music industry's success in fixing CD prices for years. It really wasn't that long ago that you'd go into any Sam Goody, Kemp Mill, or Tower, and find CDs costing $17 or $18 bucks. It's only because of competition, illegal downloading, and Eliot Spitzer that the industry was forced to lower prices. (Fun fact: fifteen years ago, when the music industry got wind of what the Internet was, they tried to convince the government to shut the whole thing down before it ever got off the ground. They saw what was coming. They're greedy, but not stupid.)

So when I see these places being forced under by Best Buy or iTunes or Grokster or whatever, am I honestly supposed to feel bad? Let's not pretend that this is some mom and pop store that can't compete with a large retailer. In fact, how many of those places did Tower bury over the years?

Let 'em die.

The axe falls at SNL

WHAT's going on behind the scenes at "Saturday Night Live" this month may be more dramatic than any thing you'll see on the two prime-time shows starting this fall based on the famed late-night comedy.

Four cast members are about to be fired - they know who they are, but the public doesn't. (NY Post)

This is kind of a shame, since the current SNL cast is actually pretty good. But if people have to go, it's not too difficult to figure out who the dead weight is. Here are my predictions for the fired cast members:

Horatio Sanz: He's been on for a long time, so it would save the show a lot of money. Plus, it's long, long, long overdue. Dude hasn't been funny in years.

Chris Parnell: Same deal in terms of saving money. This would also give him the distinction of being the only person in SNL history fired from the show twice.

Kristen Wiig: Not bad, but she didn't really click as well as the other new cast members from last season.

Keenan Thompson: Almost every round of SNL firings includes one WTF? choice, and I suspect that Thompson will be the one's. But in a way, it makes sense, for a couple of reasons. First, when it comes to impressions of black celebrities, Finesse Mitchell is probably a bit more versatile in that he's not quite so...well...round. Second, Thompson has a pretty decent film career to fall back on, so the decision to cut him loose might have been easier.

Obviously, I could be way off. But as long as Horatio Sanz is on the list, I'll be happy.

Fantasy football draft post-mortem

Had the Fantasy Blogball draft earlier tonight. I ended up with the sixth pick, which I'm never wild about. If you can't get a top three pick, I actually think it's better to pick close to the end, so you get those consecutive or near-consecutive picks. But in spite of a lousy draft position, I think I ended up with a fairly good team. Here's the rundown:

Round 1: Edgerrin James (RB)--For weeks, I've been hearing that Edge is going to suck in Arizona. And he probably will, at least compared to his performance in Indy. But between the too-old Kurt Warner and the too-young Matt Leinart, I figure they'll be running the ball a lot, so he might have a good season.

Round 2: Torry Holt (WR)--Conventional wisdom says you take two RBs before a WR. Every year, I ignore this conventional wisdom and take a top WR in the second round. Every year I lose. Will the same thing happen this year? Probably.

Round 3: Reggie Bush (RB)--Yeah. I was "that guy." At the end of the season, I'll either be a visionary or a chump.

Round 4: Tony Gonzales (TE)--Probably too early for a TE, but I couldn't resist grabbing one of the best.

Round 5: Ben Roethlisberger (QB)--First pick I'm not really happy with. I was going to take Marc Bulger here, so I could have the Bulger/Holt combo working for me, but the person right before me grabbed him. In retrospect, I should have taken a QB before a TE.

Round 6: Carolina (D)--Again, probably too early for a defense. But after getting burned at QB, I wanted a top something.

Round 7: Joe Horn (WR)--Holy shit, it's the seventh round, and I only have one WR! Holy shit, it's the seventh round, and Joe Horn is my best option!

Round 8: Reggie Brown (WR)--As annoyed as I am with the fact that Joe Horn is my number two receiver, I'm even more annoyed when I suddenly notice that we start three WRs in this league. Damn. Hi, Reggie Brown! Want to be on my team?

Round 9: Dominic Rhodes (RB)--I'm surprised to see Rhodes is still on the board, so I quickly grab him. He should provide a little insurance if Bush rides the bench and/or gives up most of the goal line carries to McAllister. If he wins the starting job in Indy, that is.

Round 10: Drew Bledsoe (QB)--I hate taking a Cowboy, but I need an alternative to Roethlisberger, and he's the best available. Unfortunately, even as I take him, the MNF crew are discussing the possibility of Bledsoe losing the starting job to Tony Romo. Super. Let's hope he can hang on at least through Week 4, the Steelers' bye week.

Round 11: Frank Gore (RB)--Yeah, it's the 49ers. But he's still a starting RB, and I'm still worried about how productive Bush will be. This puts me at four RBs, but I'll probably need trade bait to get a better WR, so hopefully, a couple of them will explode.

Round 12: Joe Jurevicius (WR)--Like I said, I'm going to need a better WR.

Round 13: Jeff Reed (K)--Kicker. 'Nuff said.

Round 14: Miami (D)--Supposedly, Miami's defense is looking pretty tight. So, you know, what the hell.

Round 15: Bubba Franks (TE): What are the chances that Favre will get his mojo back and make Franks worth starting? Yeah, that's what I figured. But I needed a back-up for Gonzales's bye in Week 3. After that, Franks will likely be my first cut in order to free up bench space.

So there we are. A solid, if not spectacular team. Hopefully, luck and a few injuries of key players on other teams (how's that ACL, Deuce?) will be on my side.

DC says goodbye to its skinterns

I can't be sure that the young lady I saw today actually was an intern, but as she looked to be about 20 or 21, and was having lunch with two older guys in business suits in the outdoor seating area of a nice restaurant, I'm inclined to think this was the traditional intern thank-you-for-doing-all-our-menial-crap-jobs-over-this-last-summer-
and-pretending-you-were-actually-learning-something-of-value good-bye lunch.

What makes her a skintern as opposed to just an intern? Well, she was conservatively dressed...except that her conservative top and conservative pants were about two sizes too small. And she had her back to the sidewalk. So as she sat in her chair, passers-by were getting a wonderful view of her thong in all its lime green glory, as well as a lot of the surrounding area. Older Guy #1, the one sitting closest to her, was clearly aware of this, as I caught him trying to steal a glance when she was speaking with Older Guy #2.

And you know what? I'll bet you a million dollars she gets hired next year, regardless of where she goes to school or her qualifications. Because in DC, a degree from Harvard will always pale in comparison to a prominently displayed thong.

So suck on that, recent Ivy League grads. In this job market, your $100,000 degree is worth less than a $5 piece of underwear you can buy at any Wal-Mart. Not feeling so smart now, are you?

Fantasy idiocy

More than 200 women have signed up to take the field of matrimony this fall, positioning fantasy guys in various relationship scenarios and piling up points each week if their man handles the situations best.

Cramer, a 40-year-old single mom from Tallahassee, came up with the idea after thinking about the incredible amount of time that men devote to fantasy football leagues.

"I just thought that women would love to have something to banter about and give the men a taste of what fantasy sports are," she says.

Here's how it works: Each week, players are given a marital relationship scenario. They then choose three husbands from a roster of 20, taking care to pick the person they think would respond the best in the scenario (based on the husband's "bio''). On Sundays, the husbands' actions are posted and scored. The player with the highest totals at the end of the season wins a prize. (Orlando Sentinel)

Jesus Christ, women. It's seventeen weeks out of the year. Seventeen. Frickin'. Weeks. Can't you just let your husbands enjoy their fantasy football season without making it all about you?

Here's an idea: if you're so desperate for attention and/or something to do, why not learn the game of football and form your own FF league? You can pretty it up all you want. Hold your draft over tea and pastries. Give Tupperware or Mary Kay products away as weekly prizes. Call your league the "Desperate Housewives" or something similarly cute and ironic. But for God's sake, why would you desecrate one of the few perfect, pure things in your husband's life? Is that love? I submit that it is not.

And people wonder why the divorce rate in this country is so high.

Just say no to Blogger Beta

What's that, Blogger? Upgrade? Sure! Why not?

Like a small child or stupid animal, I see something new and shiny, and I have to have it. Such was the case yesterday, when I logged in and saw Blogger was offering an upgrade to the beta version of the site, with all kinds of new features. I didn't stop to think about how it might affect my blog. All I saw were the HTML-free layout possibilities, subject tags (something I've long wished Blogger would implement), and other assorted cool stuff. So not only did I leap before I looked, but I closed my eyes and wrapped a towel around my head, so there wasn't even the possibility of seeing anything bad.

Admittedly, it hasn't been a complete disaster, or anything. At least, compared to other people's experiences. Some users have apparently been locked out of their blogs, or lost all their posts, or other fun stuff. By comparison, my complaints are relatively minor. But I do have complaints, so I thought I'd vent.

Complaint 1: It seemed like a good idea when I first read about it, but linking my Blogger account to my Gmail account is proving to be a pain in the ass. This is primarily because I have two Gmail accounts. The one I use for this blog and my "real life" one. It used to be I would just keep myself logged into Blogger 24/7 with no problem. Now, whenever I log into my main Gmail address, I automatically get logged out of Blogger, even if it's not open.

Complaint 2: When you receive the chance to upgrade, you have three options: First, decline to upgrade at this time (although, you'll have to eventually). Second, upgrade, but don't entirely switch over, so you'll basically have one one foot in the old version, and the other foot in the Beta version (this is where I'm at). Third, switch over entirely.

Unfortunately, once you opt for choice two or three, there's no way to change your mind and go with one. Which, I guess kind of makes sense, but it's still irritating.

Complaint 3: HTML editing hasn't been turned on, so if I made the complete switch to the new version, my banner at the top of the page goes bye-bye for the time being. Not that it's an amazing banner or anything, but it's mine, and I like it. So until I am allowed to use HTML to include the banner ("Days, not weeks" according to the Blogger FAQ), I'm basically stuck in limbo. I get all the cons of the Beta version, but very few of the pros.

Complaint 4: The feed to DC Blogs live is screwed up. For starters, the post title is now severely truncated. Which is annoying, because I like using long titles. For example, yesterday's post titled, "I've had it with these motherfucking "Snakes on a Plane" reviews on these motherfucking blogs! (Still, here's one more.)", appeared as "I've had it with these motherfucking "Snakes on a..." Kind of loses something in the translation.

More irritating, though, is where the post appears on the live feed. I made a post today at about 12:30 PM. When I checked the DC Blogs live page a few hours later, I was surprised to see that according to DC Blogs, the post was made at 7:30 AM. So there seems to be a five hour difference between when you post, and when DC Blogs thinks you post. (For the record, I'm confident this entirely Blogger's fault, not DC Blogs'.) UPDATE: Well, I found a fix for this particular problem. I went into the Settings tab, and changed the time zone from EST to UTC. Hardly an ideal solution, since the time stamps will now be off by five hours, but I guess it'll do until Blogger or I think of a better idea).

Anyway, as I mentioned, if you're on Blogger, you'll have to upgrade eventually, once they finish beta testing. They claim this will be in a few months, but then again, Gmail is still ostensibly in "beta test" mode, despite being out for well over two years now. So until you have to, don't rush into anything, unless you figure you won't be annoyed by any of the issues I list.

No matter how new and shiny Blogger Beta looks.

Comic of the Week: The Boys #1

The Boys #1
"The Name of the Game" by Garth Ennis & Darick Robertson
Published by Wildstorm ($2.99)

Writers who want to deconstruct or otherwise comment on superhero comics can go one of two routes: the easy way or the hard way. The easy way usually involves simply poking fun at the entire genre. Any hack writer can do this. (And several have.)

The hard way means really considering, "What if superheroes actually did exist outside the safe, sterile worlds of DC or Marvel? What might happen?" And over the years, with Hitman, The Pro, The Punisher Kills the Marvel Universe, and now, The Boys, Garth Ennis has proven time and time again that he's not afraid to take the hard route.

Synopsis

At their core, superheroes are simply self-appointed vigilantes. No one asked them to put on a costume, and their powers make them unaccountable to any authority. If they decide to take over the world, or simply get careless while fighting crime, and innocent bystanders die (and one does in this issue, in a spectacular fashion), what are regular human beings supposed to do?

A man known only as Butcher sees the growing threat superheroes pose, and travels to Washington to make a proposition to a high powered government official.

Line of the Week:

"Superpower's the most dangerous power on Earth. There's more an' more of 'em all the time, an' sooner or later they're gonna wise up. If you can dodge bullets or outrun tachyons or swim across the Sun, you've better things to do with your life than save the world for the two hundredth fuckin' time. One day, you might twig what you're really invulnerable to is your humanity. An' then God help us all."--Butcher

Overall grade: B

I've had it with these motherfucking "Snakes on a Plane" reviews on these motherfucking blogs! (Still, here's one more.)

In a way, it would have been better if Snakes on a Plane never came out. If we simply had the promise of Snake on a Plane to look forward to, forever and ever. Because the reality of Snakes on a Plane is something of a bust.

This is not entirely the film's fault. After all, we are talking about the most over-hyped movie since Star Wars: Episode One. For months, naysayers have been asking, "Why on Earth would anyone go see a movie called Snakes on a Plane?" And the fans would just respond, "It's snakes! On a plane! Isn't that enough?"

As it turns out, yeah, actually it is. Snakes on a plane actually do make for a good movie all on their own. They don't, however, make for a great movie. Which is kind of a shame.

The Good

- I never thought I'd say this, but thank God for Internet movie geeks. This was originally going to be a PG-13 movie, until people started getting wind of it, and petitioning the studio to ramp the adult content up a few notches. So we got nudity, more gore, and of course, "I've had it with these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane!" If this had been PG-13, it would have been a disaster. Not Batman & Robin disaster, but still a disaster.

- Sam Jackson. I can't think of any other actor in Hollywood that could have pulled this role off. Okay, maybe Lawrence Fishburne, but it wouldn't have been quite as good.

- Blood! Gore! Snakes biting breasts! Snakes gouging eyes! Puss and blood being drained out of a little kid! Ah. Good stuff.

- The Cobra Starship video playing over the closing credits. God help me, I loved this thing. I'm listening to the song right now, in fact. I defy you to watch the video and not feel like you've travelled back in time to the 80s.

The Bad

- There were some decent deaths, but it kind of feels like we got gypped in terms of the body count. It's an established rule with this sort of film that if you're going to spend the first quarter of the movie introducing supporting characters, most of them need to die.

As I see it, the only people who had to be alive at the end are Jackson, Julianna Margulies, Keenan Thompson, and the witness. Everyone else was expendable. Did we really need Three Gs and his other bodyguard to live? Or the woman with the dog? Or the hot flight attendant? Or the male flight attendant? Or the kickboxer? Or the young mother? Couldn't one of the kids had died?

- I realize it's pointless to look for logic and realism in any action movie, let alone one called Snakes on a Plane. But maybe a little explanation about how they got the snakes on board, undetected? Or a scene showing the bad guys coming up with the idea in the first place? I mean, who would even think of something like this? (Aside from the writer of this movie.) That should have been a pivitol scene in the film.

The Ugly:

- Nothing, really. Pretty good movie, all around.

Summer Movie Scorecard

Clerks 2: A+
Little Miss Sunshine: A+
The Descent: A-
X-Men: The Last Stand: B+
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest: B
Click: B
Snakes on a Plane: B
Superman Returns: B-
Mission Impossible 3: B-
The Da Vinci Code: C+
Lady in the Water: C
The Omen: D+

Definitely seeing: Fearless; Beerfest

Might see: Invincible; The Wicker Man; Gridiron Gang

Not seeing, but in my Netflix queue: See No Evil; The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift; The Devil Wears Prada; Nacho Libre, Cars; Strangers With Candy; You, Me and Dupree; My Super Ex-Girlfriend; Monster House; Miami Vice; World Trade Center; Talladega Nights; Pulse; The Illusionist; Hollywoodland; This Film Is Not Yet Rated; Feast

Not seeing, period: Poseidon; Just My Luck; Over The Hedge; RV; The Break Up; Crank; The Covenant; Jackass: Number Two

Do you have a Transformer still in the box? If so, you suck.

Transformers were launched in 1984.

"They were expensive toys then, and it's hard to find one still in the box," O'Brien says.

Kids got them and ripped them right out of the box. A 1987 boxed set of five Transformers — Lightspeed, Nosecone, Scattershot, Afterburner and Strafe — is worth about $550, she says. A Transformers movie, due out next year, could combine to make Transformer memorabilia even bigger. (USA Today)

See, fellow 80s kids? We fucked up. Instead of keeping our Transformers (and Star Wars and GI Joe figures) in their boxes like we should have, we took them out of their boxes and played

with them. How stupid were we?

Seriously, what possible reason is there for there to even be any original Transformers still in boxes? What freak twenty years ago bought some, but never opened them? And what freak today will buy them off Ebay, and still keep them in their boxes, instead of taking them out to play with, or in the very least, put on display someplace? If I were inclined to buy a MIB (that's "mint in box" for all you non-geeks) Optimus Prime and had the $500-$1000 to spend on it, you damn well better believe I'd take it out and have some fun with it.

And one more thing. Next time you're in a Target or Toys R Us or whatever, take a stroll down the action figure aisle. The new Star Wars figures aside, today's action figures suck. They look really cheap, and I'm amazed any kid would want one. How is it that virtually every single type of toy has improved over the last twenty years, but action figures have actually managed to regress?

DC's mentality regarding the relationship between sex and status, perfectly encapsulated in a ten second exchange

From a conversation overheard about an hour ago between two female congressional staffers at a popular Capitol Hill establishment:

Staffer 1: "Okay, what do you think about (insert name of semi-famous congressman here)?"
Staffer 2: "Eh."
Staffer 1: "Really? Just 'eh'?"
Staffer 2: "Yeah. Just eh. Doesn't really do much for me." Pause. "I'd totally fuck him if he were a senator, though."

Fantasy football destroying economic recovery

Office workers combing the league waiver wire for running backs or back-up quarterbacks are part of a growing number of fantasy football owners costing employers as much as $1.1 billion a week in lost productivity, according to a study released Wednesday.
...
However, Challenger encourages employers to embrace fantasy sports in order to foster a sense of camaraderie in the workplace.

"The potential damage to morale and loyalty resulting from a fantasy football ban could be far worse than the loss of productivity caused by 10 minutes of online team management," said Challenger. (USA Today)

Heh. He thinks employees only spend ten minutes a day on fantasy football. That's adorable.

But seriously, what kind of pussy league do you have to be in where you can remain competitive by only slacking off for ten minutes a day? That's just pathetic.

Hostel 2 casting news

Lauren German, Heather Matarazzo and Bijou Phillips are in varying stages of negotiations to star in "Hostel 2," which Eli Roth is directing for Screen Gems says The Hollywood Reporter.
...
German would play a wealthy girl trying to figure out her next step in life, Phillips would be her best friend and Matarazzo will be a tag-along. (Dark Horizons)

Hmm. Girl trying to figure out her next step in life, best friend, and tag-along. I wonder which two are going to die.

But is anyone going to go see Hostel 2 for surprising plot twists? No, of course not. They're going to see it to find out whether or not the filmmakers can top all the really cool shit in the first film, like a guy trying to walk after his Achilles tendons were sliced, and a girl--still alive, mind you--with half her face burned off and an eyeball hanging out of the socket.

At least, that's why I'm going.

Hostel was one of the best horror flicks I've seen in a long time, and I was utterly shocked by how many supposed horror fans bemoaned the lack of "plot" instead of just reveling in the film's totally unapologetic, over the top, violence and gore.

You go to a movie about an organization that kidnaps young tourists so they can be tortured to death by sadistic rich people, what the hell do you expect? Shakespeare?

Cropp < Fenty < sandwich

Two hours later, the Fenty campaign delivered an imperious reply to Cropp campaign spokesman Ron Eckstein.

"We are in receipt of your August 15th e-mail. We have informed the D.C. Federation of Civic Associations that we will be unable to accept their invitation because of a conflict," the missive said. "If you would like to challenge Councilmember Adrian Fenty to a debate, please have Council Chair Linda Cropp call him directly on his cell phone."

The e-mail was signed: "Team Fenty." (Washington Post)

Damn! Fenty lays the smackdown!

More on that in a second, but first, I think all the candidates suck, and the city would be much better off if we tried going without a mayor for a bit. You know, just to see if there's any sort of noticeable difference.

But if voters insist on having a mayor, we should look beyond the current group of losers, and maybe start thinking outside the box entirely. Perhaps elect a relatively smart animal, like an orangutan or dolphin. If they can do funny tricks like ride a unicycle or grab a fish from a trainer's hand, surely they're qualified to run the DC government. Or maybe even just go with a sandwich as mayor. Have you had the new beef brisket sub from Quiznos? Awesome. Expensive. But awesome. Now that's a candidate I could get behind.

Having said that, while none of the candidates are ideal, I've always considered Cropp to be last among equals, and it pleases me to no end to see her begging Fenty for a debate. And it pleases me even more to see Fenty playing childish mind games just to mess with her.

If we can't have Mayor Beef Brisket Sub, Fenty might not be a bad alternative.

Defending Kornheiser

I'll be honest, I'm a big Tony Kornheiser fan. I like his columns, I enjoyed his radio show, and I love PTI. So I'm not exactly unbiased here. But the reviews are in regarding his Monday Night Football debut, and they seem to range from "sub par" to "meh," and I'm wondering if we watched the same broadcast.

What they hell did they expect from the guy? Especially on his first night? He had a few witty lines and he kept the flow going, which is basically the job description of the person sitting in his chair. Did people expect him to dance for them, also? Walk on water, maybe?

And comments like this, from the Post article, made me shake my head:

"These are not good numbers tonight, are they?" he asked at one point as the passing statistics for Aaron Brooks, the Raiders quarterback, flashed on-screen. Given that Brooks was 0-for-4 passing at the time, the question was either needlessly rhetorical or hopelessly naive.

Ugh. Of course it was a rhetorical question, probably more along the lines of a joke, so hardly "needless." Jesus. And how many times have I heard Madden drop some pearl of wisdom like, "They need to not turn the ball over in the second half," or, "The key to winning this game is a strong defense"? Countless. How many times have I heard anyone call him on it? Not once.

I love football. I love the whole football subculture, that can spend so much time dissecting a game, that the phrase "Monday morning quarterback" has entered the vernacular. But sometimes people take this shit too seriously.

Kornheiser was good. Given time, he'll probably be really good. Given a lot of time, he could be great, and one day, people won't even remember what all the fuss was about.

It's official: less than 1/5 of Republicans are cool

Is there anyone in America who isn't completely jazzed about Snakes on a Plane? Surprisingly, yes.

Not surprisingly, it's Republicans--83% of them, anyway--who once again have a big stick up their collective ass. Apparently, being pro-family values and tough on national security, means that you're also incapable of appreciating the inherent genius of a movie called Snakes on a Plane.

RedState.com's official Snakes on a Plane poll:




"Not only will I not see it, I may never fly again based on the rushes I've seen on TV..."

"This is pathetic. Does anyone in the motion picture business have any imagination to speak of? Obviously not."

"The title is the least retarded aspect of the film, IMO"

"It's obvious: take two phobias and combine them into the title of the movie, and then hack a screenplay to fit."

"Why are we discussing a random minor film on the front page of this site?"

Comic of the Week: Secret Six #3

Secret Six #3
"The Darkest House" by Gail Simone & Brad Walker
Published by DC Comics ($2.99)

Synopsis:

For a 22 page comic, quite a bit happened here. Catman breaks Ragdoll out of the hospital; Knockout makes a full recovery, thanks to Darkseid and shampoo; the Mad Hatter accessories fruit; Vandal Savage lets Scandal know that a little thing like her being a lesbian isn't going to get in the way of her giving him a grandchild; Ragdoll goes a little nuts; and the Doom Patrol pops up.

Which is a shame, because despite having arguably the best superhero team name ever, the Doom Patrol sucks these days.

Line of the Week:

"With you alone, I am a caring, if sometimes strict, father. Your joy is my delight. But I am ancient, Scandal. I watch as my possessions become fossils, and my empires become myths. And I will have this heir."--Vandal Savage

Overall grade: B

Comcast giveth with one hand, puncheth us in the gut and muggeth us with the other

Comcast Corp. said yesterday that it would raise cable TV rates by $2 a month for its 1.6 million Washington-Baltimore area customers this fall because of the cost of carrying the network that broadcasts most of the Washington Nationals' baseball games. (Washington Post)

Hail to the (fill in the blank)

Jillian Pappan, 19, of Sioux City, Iowa, one of the six challengers, equated the name Redskin with the "N-word." "You're not going to call me a redskin, and they shouldn't be allowed to have that as a copyright," she said.
...
Their youth should counter the legal question of whether they waited too long to sue, because they were not born when the first trademark was granted, Mause said. He said the new filing would force the courts to rule on the underlying issue of whether the Redskins name is disparaging enough for the team to lose its trademark protection. (Washington Post)

This is a topic that's somewhat uncomfortable for any Redskins fan to discuss, because any such conversation inevitably comes down to our having to acknowledge two things:

1) To some degree, the name "Redskins" is clearly racist.
2) We don't actually care.

I mean, we can talk about "tradition" and how the term has become a "powerfully positive" one over the years, all we want. But when Native Americans who want the name changed aren't deterred by such arguments, what else is there for a Redskins fan to say other than,"Yeah, well...sorry"?

And I'm not being judgmental, here. I'm one of those fans. I like the name. I don't want it to change. Does that make me insensitive? Probably. Racist? I don't think so, but I can see how a Native American might.

Of course, even if the plaintiffs win, the team won't be forced to change its name. It just means the Redskins won't be able to maintain its trademark. But if that happens, it seems likely that a name change will happen sooner or later.

The problem there--and one the plaintiffs (understandably) don't seem overly concerned with--is that if the team did bow to pressure and change its name, what would it be changed to? All the good pro sports team names are taken. And say what you will about then current name, but at least it's unique.

Are we supposed to take some generic team name that's already being used by hundreds of high school, college, semi-pro, and pro teams? The Washington Bobcats? The Washington Highlanders? The Washington Mountaineers? The Washington Cavaliers?

Or, like the unimaginative Houston Texans, just call the team the Washington DCists? No? How about the DC Washingtonians? No? Okay.

Or go for a specifically DC-centric name. The Washington Monuments? The Washington Cherry Blossoms? The DC Crime Emergencies?

Or why not just have a contest like the Bullets did, and leave it up to the fans? Oh, yeah, that's right. That's how the team almost became the fucking Sea Dogs. (There were rumors that Abe Pollin rigged the voting because his wife liked the name Wizards, and if so, it might be the one instance of voting fraud I approve of.)

See? It would be complete and total hell coming up with a new name. So, how to resolve this to the satisfaction of all parties? Well, after much consideration, I think I've come up with a compromise that will work best for everyone:

The Native Americans drop their suit, and life goes on as if nothing happened.

Okay, maybe that compromise doesn't exactly help everyone. But it helps the team. And the (non-Native American) fans. And me. So I'm fine with it.

Serpentor in 2008!

2008 isn't looking too good for Democrats. Just consider who the current front runners for the presidential nomination are. Hillary: too polarizing. Feingold: too liberal. Gore: too uninterested. Obama: too inexperienced. Warner: too unknown. Kerry: too not a chance in hell.

Republicans, meanwhile, are basically acting like victory is a foregone conclusion, no matter who their candidate is. Sure, they'd love Jeb to run and make America's transformation into a hereditary monarchy official. But, you know, they'll "settle" for McCain or Rudy.

So what are we to do? Which Democrat will win us the White House in 2008?

This is who: Thomas Jefferson. James Madison. Andrew Jackson. FDR. Harry Truman. JFK. Bill Clinton. Yes, all of them. The best Democratic presidents America's ever had! (Okay, the first few were Democrat-Republicans, but close enough.)

Madness, you ask? Not at all. I'll explain.

Back in the mid-80s, even though GI Joe toys, comic books, and the cartoon were insanely popular, someone at Hasbro evidently realized that Cobra Commander was the least threatening villain ever created. He wasn't very smart, he had a lame outfit, his plans were always blowing up in his face, and he had that annoying raspy voice. And the fact that he was surrounded by really cool lieutenants like Destro, Zartan, and Storm Shadow, only made the problem more glaring. After all, why would those guys be taking orders from this idiot? Plus--and I'm not making this up--before he formed a terrorist organization determined to rule the world, it was revealed that Cobra Commander had been a used car salesman, of all things.

So it was decided to introduce a new bad guy; one who could pose a credible threat. Cobra went around the world, digging up the remains of history's greatest warriors, soldiers, and strategists, such as Ghengis Khan, Attila the Hun, and Alexander the Great. Then they sort of...mixed all their genetic material together in a blender. Or something. I don't know. But this was the result:

SERPENTOR! The greatest military mind the world had ever seen! (Of course, Cobra still always lost to the Joes, but they did so with a little more dignity.)

Now, I have to think that in this wacky world of stem cells and cloned sheep, the technology exists to make it possible to pull something like this off. If not right this moment, surely at some point before 2008. So if I were Howard Dean, I would send DNC operatives out to raid the graves of all the presidents listed above (and just grab a few hairs from Clinton), as well as any other great Democrats they can think of. Then get George Soros to bankroll the whole operation in some foreign country that's willing to look the other way when it comes to questionable applications of science.

The fruits of our labor would be a Democrat who could win any election, no matter how red the state. One possessing the political savvy of Bill Clinton! The charisma of JFK! The determination of Harry Truman! The compassion of FDR! The collective wisdom of Jefferson, Madison, and Jackson! (And to take advantage of name recognition in order to appeal to all those grown-up GI Joe fans, our guy would also be called Serpentor. Besides, Democrator doesn't really have the same ring.)

Ladies and gentlemen, this could be a reality:



Vote Serpentor. He might well be Democrats' last hope.

This angry left-wing blog doesn't want the Joementum to stop

Yeah, yeah. I know. Joe Lieberman has to go. He supports the war, he participates in unseemly make-out sessions with President Bush in public (and maybe in private, for all we know), he appears on Fox News, and...some other stuff. I'm not really sure. If you're really curious, Daily Kos has written more on the topic than has ever been written about any other topic in the history of the universe. But the end result is, liberals are made as hell, and they're not going to take Joe anymore. And to a degree, I understand where they're coming from.

But...come on, guys. Can't we keep him?

I mean, setting aside the tiny, virtually insignificant matter of his unquestioning support of a war that's cost thousands of lives and billions of dollars, what has he really done to earn our wrath? Hmmm? Not a thing, that's what.

Not convinced? Here are five really compelling reasons why Connecticut Democrats...indeed, why all Democrats...need to support Joe Lieberman.

1) He genuinely seems like a nice, sensitive guy. The type who might be hurt enough by losing to break down and cry. Now, I know I don't want to be responsible for making Joe Lieberman cry. Do you? Huh? Haters.

2) Who else is going to keep us safe from the plague of video game violence? I was playing GTA: San Andreas last week, and all of a sudden, I had this really strong urge to go out, jack a car, shoot a ho, and lead the cops on a car chase. Then, just when I was about to put down the controller and pick up my nine, I stopped and asked myself, WWJD? (Joe, not Jesus.) Then the urge passed, and I went back to the game. If it wasn't for Joe Lieberman, I might well have racked up a double-digit body count before the cops took me down.

3) Not that there's a lot of competition, but the man is hands down the most adorable senator in Congress. You just want to hug the guy. (Well, I do anyway. Constantly.) You know, being an adult male, I'm not really into stuffed animals, but I'd buy a plush Joe Lieberman doll in a second. And so would you.

4) Admit it: you'd really miss saying, "Joementum."

5) Joe Lieberman doesn't believe in child slavery. Does Ned Lamont? Who knows? He's been strangely quiet on the subject. In fact, for someone so concerned about the "issues," I don't recall him bringing this one up once. Something to hide, perhaps? Have you looked in Lamont's basement to see what--or who--is down there? Has anyone?

Hopefully, Connecticut Democrats will read these words and realize that Lieberman isn't that bad, after all. But if you still have doubts at the ballot box tomorrow, just ask yourself...WWJD? (This time, I mean Joe and Jesus.)

They'd vote for Joe Lieberman, that's what.

Trampling tourists for fun and profit

From Tourist in DC, per the front page of DC Blogs:

people there can get really rude if you stand on the wrong side of the escalator on the metro. what's the big deal. you're in their way, and god forbid they just say "excuse me". i was afraid that they were going to push me down the stairs.

I'd respond there, but I don't feel like registering with Blogstream, so I'll do it here.

In many years of riding up and down escalators in DC, I have yet to see someone get pushed down the stairs. Not one.

It may have seemed like they were going to run right into you, but I guarantee, if you hadn't moved, they would have indeed slowed down and said, "Excuse me." (Or some variation thereof. I can't guarantee it wouldn't have sounded more like, "Get the fuck out of the way," but that's kind of like saying, "Excuse me" in a big city.)

But here's the thing: as annoying as you found people in DC who you think came close to rushing into you, we're ten times as sick of people (almost always tourists) blocking the left side of the escalator. Yes, we're always in a hurry. No, usually not for a particularly good reason. We just are.

In a city where no one agrees on anything, this is pretty much the one social norm there's a total consensus on: Walk on the left, stand on the right.

Look, it's like that story, The Lottery. Where every year in the village, someone's name is chosen and they're stoned to death. Even though an outsider might consider it odd, and yes, even somewhat insane, it made perfect sense to the villagers. Same principle here. You don't have to understand our strange ways. Just accept them.

Talking Fantasy Football: The NFL's bias towards the NFL, Blogball, book reports, and more

- I've kept to my self-imposed moratorium on buying additional FF magazines. But that hasn't stopped me from standing in the magazine section and reading them for free. (Take that, Borders!) ESPN's is still the best I've seen, but I've also enjoyed the magazines published by Football Diehards.com and the World Championship of Fantasy Football.

However, avoid at all costs the the NFL.com Fantasy Football 2006 Preview. What a complete piece of crap. Did you read Nintendo Power when you were a kid? Did you ever notice how, in this magazine that was published by Nintendo, a company that obviously had a vested interest in making sure people bought as many Nintendo games as possible, there weren't ever any negative reviews of games? I think the harshest criticism I ever saw was along the lines of, "Look out! This game may be too difficult for amateurs! Only hardcore gamers should attempt playing!"

Same case here. Other FF magazines aren't at all shy about speaking frankly when it comes to iffy players, whether it's for being too old, too injured, or just too untalented. The NFL's magazine, though, would have you believe that ALL players range from Spectacular! to merely Pretty Darn Good! They actually claim Patrick Ramsey--their next-to-last ranked QB, mind you--could have a "fantasy upside." Please. The only "fantasy upside" Patrick Ramsey has is if he's the QB of the guy you're playing against.

- In addition to my regular league, I've joined Fantasy Blogball, a league set up by I-66 that seems to consist mostly (if not entirely) of DC bloggers. Should make for an interesting competition.

- Two books about fantasy football have come out recently. The first, Why Fantasy Football Matters (And Why Our Lives Do Not) by Erik Barmack and Max Handelman, is definitely worth picking up, especially if you're a fan of Committed by Mark St. Amant. It follows one league over the course of a season, and provides a great deal of insight into the appeal of the game, and why so many people fall victim to it. It's also pretty damn funny.

Strangely, the book is labeled "non-fiction," yet there's a disclaimer at the beginning informing readers that nothing in it actually happened. (Although, the events are apparently based on the experiences of several people.) But it's a minor nitpick, as it's still a great book. And if you find yourself thinking, "Hey, these Two-Headed Hydra guys sound a lot like me," be concerned.

The other is the Savvy Guide to Fantasy Football by Mike Harmon. It essentially serves as an overview of the game, so while it might be useful for beginners, I'm not sure how much longtime players will get out of it. Don't get me wrong, there's some interesting stuff--such as the "Ask the Experts" chapter, where some of the preeminent FF players and industry folk give their thoughts on the game--but the second half of the book consists mostly of stats and drafting advice for the 2006-2007 season, and will therefore be out of date after this year. At $15, it's not a bad value, but I'm not sure the experienced FF player couldn't just read all the good stuff while standing there in the store. (Sorry, Mr. Harmon.)

- I'm officially perplexed in regards to the fantasy potential of Reggie Bush for this season. Half the FF "experts" seem to think he'll be a strong prospect in his rookie season, especially if Deuce McAllister still isn't 100%. The other half make it sound like due to his size, adjusting to the NFL, and McAllister getting most of the goal line carries, drafting him this year would be about as smart as taking Ricky Williams.

I tend to lean slightly towards the latter opinion, but that's not to say he would be a horrible pick even as early as the third round. If I were planning on taking him, I would probably go RB-WR-Bush. Unless, of course, you're really confident you can win without any top-tier WRs, in which case, go crazy and do RB-RB-Bush.

- I got an email from CBS Sportsline a couple of days ago, notifying me of this. Maybe one day I'll have enough money that it'll seem perfectly reasonable to pay $225 to go hang out at Morton's in order to watch a televised three hour FF preseason event, complete with a four course dinner and Maxim girls, but for now, it's just kind of sad. I mean, seriously folks, I understand obsession when it comes to FF, but even I have limits.

Descent into AWESOME

Saw The Descent last night. I was a little worried going in, because this is the third British horror import that's gotten a lot of advance hype, after the woefully overrated 28 Days Later and the good-but-not-great Shaun of the Dead. Fortunately, The Descent is by far the best of the three. Brits may not know much about comedy (I don't care what anyone says, our version of The Office is better), but they seem to be getting the hang of horror flicks.

The Good

- The camera work inside the cave. I've always been somewhat claustrophobic, but I can usually watch a movie or TV show that features people trapped in small spaces without too much discomfort. Not here, though. There were parts of the movie that literally had me squirming in my seat. Especially the scene where Sarah got stuck.

Throughout the first half of the film, when the characters are working their way through the cave system, I was constantly thinking, "Holy shit, there are actually people who willingly do this?" I'm really not exaggerating when I say that if there were a billion dollars at the bottom of a cave that deep and full of such narrow crevices, I'd say "No thanks," and happily go on to live a life of abject poverty.

Anyway, excellent job evoking what it must feel like to be a spelunker in unknown territory.

- Making the most of a familiar plot. I'd thought Deliverance and Wrong Turn had said all that needed to be said about why you should stay away from Appalachia, but I was wrong. I can't imagine that the various tourist boards throughout the region are very happy, though. They may want to start doing damage control, especially with Wrong Turn 2 coming out soon.

- Not bringing out the creatures too soon. I like the fact that it took them a good hour or so before they show up. It really built up the tension. And the shot of one of them appearing on the camcorder screen was inspired.

- Wooden poll through a little girl's head!

The Bad

- Not seeing Juno's death. You really can't have your villain die off-screen. (Even though it's debatable whether or not she really deserved her fate.)

There actually isn't a lot of gore in this film, and what there was was difficult to see in the darkness of the cave. As you see Juno surrounded by the creatures, I was kind of hoping that they were saving the gore for this moment, but no. Just her final screams heard echoing through the cave. Kind of a let down.

The Ugly

- The final "shock" at the end. What a horrible, horrible way to end an otherwise great movie.

This is a problem I've noticed with a lot of horror films. It's like the movie's almost over, and the filmmakers realize they have absolutely no idea how to wrap it up. So they decide to go out with a shock, no matter how nonsensical it is.

Now, in this case, it isn't entirely their fault. In the original version, Sarah dies along with everyone else. But Lion's Gate decided that they wanted a more upbeat ending, so Sarah escapes and then...I don't know. I'm still not clear on what happened. Guilt? Juno's undead spirit? Whatever, it sucked.

Watch me as I sit in judgment of beautiful DC journalists

Fishbowl DC, continuing the recent obsession of proving to the world that there really are attractive people in DC, is running a Hottest Media Types poll for local journalists.

As Howard Stern often says, there's nothing more important in life than being a hot chick, and these women (and men) just go to show that no matter how good they are at conducting hard-hitting interviews, writing a compelling story, producing a quality segment, and generally just making sure that America stays informed, most of us really couldn't care less, so long as they look good in something tight.

Anyway, this is how I voted:

For Hottest Female Off-Air, as much as it pains me to vote for someone from Fox News, I had to go with Hadley Gamble. (Look out for Bill O'Reilly and his loofah, Hadley!)















Hottest Female On-Air was a tough one, but I ended up going with my longtime crush Norah O'Donnell. (Allison Starling was a close second. After all, she is better looking than all the other local TV anchors and reporters. Combined.)














For the record, though, if WRC hadn't been stupid enough to get rid of über-hottie sportscaster Nicole Zaloumis last year, she would have gotten my vote in a heartbeat. (Sorry, Lindsay Czarniak, you're cute, but no Zaloumis.)











And just to prove how completely secure I am in my heterosexuality, let's do the guys!

For Hottest Male Off-Air, I voted for Ernesto Londono.

More like Ernesto LonSEXY, right? Huh? Fellas? Who's with me? What's that? I'm sounding a little too secure in my heterosexuality? Like I'm trying to overcompensate for something? Sorry. Anyway, here's Ernesto.








And finally, here's my pick for Hottest Male On-Air.


















Yeah, that's right. I don't care if he's not on the list, he's a beautiful man who did a lot for the Skins, and he's my write-in vote. Anyone have a problem with that?

But how much will AOL pay me to use an aol.com address?

Is it just me, or is this the dumbest sentence ever uttered?

"Now we offer AOL services for free; there is no reason for anyone to leave AOL," Jeff Bewkes, the president and chief operating officer of AOL parent company Time Warner Inc., said. (Washington Post)

Isn't that kind of like saying, "Now that you've won the Powerball jackpot, there's no reason to quit your job"?

I mean, let's say I'm an AOL subscriber. (Which, sadly, I am.) Let's also say I hate AOL. (Which I do.) Let's say I want to leave AOL. (Which I do.) But I'm reluctant to do so, because I have a really keen AOL email address that I don't want to give up. (Which I don't. I haven't used my AOL email in years. So why I am I still with AOL? No clue. Inertia, I guess.)

But now, AOL's letting non-subscribers have free email addresses. Which begs the question, Jeff Bewkes, if I can leave AOL but still keep my keen AOL address, why on earth wouldn't I leave AOL?

As for the new users AOL hopes to lure with this stunt, after the gazillion or so people that have been members at one time or another, are there any AOL addresses left that people would want? No, of course not. If you love Star Trek and you want the whole world to know it, you're SOL if you think you're getting startrekfan@aol.com. You'll probably be startrekfan88342@aol.com. At best, you'll be startttttttrekfan@aol.com.

And the question that must be asked above all is, who would even want an AOL email address in 2006? Is there anything less hip in the world? Sure, there are people who have been on the Internet ever since Al Gore invented it who'll probably keep their AOL addresses as a badge of honor. If you meet someone whose address is John@aol.com or lukeskywalker@aol.com, you know you're in the presence of...well, maybe not greatness, but at least someone who was speeding along the information superhighway when everyone else was trying to figure out where to put the stamp on an email. But these people are few and far between. When most people give out their AOL address, they run the risk of getting the same reaction that guy on The OC got from all the rich kids when he said he was from Chino.

So give it up, AOL. It's over, you're done. At least until fifty years from now when, like clothing, vintage email addresses become all the rage, and people can't sign up fast enough.

Adventures on the Metro

5:25--I board the train. It's crowded, but not packed. There's one seat available, but I decide to stand. A less chivalrous man quickly grabs it, even though he undoubtedly saw the lady who was starting to head towards it. Ah, well. I tried.

5:28--At the next stop, the car begins to really fill up. The train operator then announces that we'll be holding for a couple of minutes, prompting annoyed murmurs from various passengers. From the rear of the car, a low voice asks, "Anyone have a dollar they can spare?" More annoyed murmurs.

5:31--The train begins to move. I can tell the man asking for a dollar has walked up behind me even before he asks again, based simply on the smell. Everyone does their best to ignore him.

I think about giving him a buck, but I figure that everyone else wouldn't appreciate me encouraging him. And frankly, they'd have a point. It's one thing to be solicited on the street, but when you're trapped on a train, you should have the right to ride without being bothered. So I just go back to my book, and breath through my mouth so I don't have to smell the guy.

5:33--Next stop. By now, the train is packed, and we're all stuffed in like sardines. Someone's cell phone starts ringing. The ring tone is an R&B song I don't recognize. But it's loud, and the owner of the phone isn't answering it. A crotchety old man sitting near me loudly demands, "What the f--" then pauses, maybe realizing that a child (not his) is sitting next to him, and finishes, "--hell is that?" Everyone under the age of 40, who immediately realized it was a ring tone, disregards him. He just glares.

5:35--At the next stop, the child sitting next to the crotchety old man gets up. The smelly homeless guy takes her seat. I guess there is karma.

The train is still filled to capacity. That's not stopping people on the platform from trying to board, though. Finally, a large passgenger by the front doors announces, "That's it. No more," and basically blocks people from trying to push their way on. Metro should hire him, then clone him, so every rush hour train has one of this guy standing by the doors.

5:38--An uncomfortable moment. At the next stop, a woman on the platform has a baby stroller, and the child in it is mentally handicapped. Problem is, there's simply no room for her to board. As men, are we required to squeeze in even tighter (or even just get off the train altogether and wait for the next one) so she can get on? This is one of those chivalrous gray areas I've never been clear on. Fortunately, it's not a decision any of us have to make, as she goes off in search of a less crowded car.

5:42--Finally, my stop. Getting off isn't as bad as I thought it would be, as people generally do their best to move out of my way. As I exit onto the platform, a 50-or-so year old woman cops a feel off me. I know this was on purpose and not an accident, because she then gives me a slightly lascivious smile. She's not really my type, but I'm flattered, nonetheless.

5:44--I make the bus right before it pulls out. Not only is it a free ride today, but I see a girl I'm about 75% certain I went to high school with, and didn't like very much. And man, has she gotten fat.

All in all, not a bad ride home.

I beat up a young child today

Emotionally, anyway. And yes, I am proud of myself.

But first, why do parents today let their kids run rampant? I mean, I get that it's a tough job. I really do. But that doesn't mean it's okay to let your son or daughter act like a complete monster in public. Am I the only one who, as a kid, had parents who would happily bring the hammer down when I would act up? I think I threw, like, one tantrum in public in my entire childhood, because when I did, my mom so thoroughly embarrassed me in front of a bunch of people, I was scarred for life.

Anyway, tonight I stopped at the grocery store on the way home. Waiting in line, there was a mother and her 7 or 8 year old son in front of me. Total and complete brat. Worst I've seen in a long time. Not only was he constantly rude to his mother, but his voice was so loud, he was practically shouting. At one point while waiting in line, he became bored and started running around forcing people to step out of the way, while his mom simply thumbed through an issue of US Weekly, completely uninterested in what he was doing.

When they got to towards the head of the line, he noticed there was one of those refrigerated cases full of ice cream bars and sandwiches. (And judging by his size, this is not a child who needed an ice cream bar.)

"I'm getting one of these," he announced, already starting to open the case.
"No."
He froze, as if unfamiliar with the word. "Why not?"
"Because you're eating dinner in an hour."
"So? I don't care. Let me have one."
"I said no."

This was followed by something that might have been English, but sounded more like a high pitched scream. The mom just rolled her eyes, and let him stand there and wail. All the people in my line, and in the two adjacent lines, were exchanging glances with each other. Most were annoyed, some were amused, but we all clearly hated the kid at that point.

A moment later, when I got up to the cooler, I casually reached into the case and took out an ice cream sandwich. I made sure he saw me do it, too. He shot me a look of pure hatred, and started trying to get his mom's attention, undoubtedly to make the case that if I was getting one, he should too, but she swatted him away. He glared at me again, and if he hadn't been two feet shorter than I was, he probably would have taken a swing at me.

I thought about starting to eat it right there in front of him, but I decided that would be overkill.

On the way out of the store, it occurred to me that I probably made the mother's already bad night even worse. God only knows how even more horrible the kid was on the way home. But then I remembered her complete lack of interest in keeping the little prick under control, and then I didn't feel so bad.

The ice cream sandwich was pretty good, too.

In Chinese, the word "crisis" loosely translates to "danger for Castro" and "big honking opportunity for Katherine Harris"

Suppose you're Katherine Harris. You're extremely popular among Florida Republicans (do you think Jeb Bush has any restless nights wondering what this says about the base that elected him?), but you're heading for a major ass-kicking in the general election.

Obviously, the state has a large Cuban population, whom you'd love to count as supporters. The problem is, a lot of them probably aren't too keen on the GOP right now because of how the whole immigration debate went. But now God--or Fidel Castro's aging body--might have seen fit to give you a wonderful gift.

If Castro dies, Little Havana will be partying like it's 1999. And like all drunk, happy fools, they'll be extremely open to suggestion. While the body's still warm, Harris needs to get down there. She needs to hold an impromptu campaign event right in the heart of the community.

Then she needs to take credit for killing Fidel Castro.

Not personally, of course. I would certainly buy the idea of Katherine Harris sneaking into Cuba in disguise, all Alias-like, and slipping something into his drink, but I'm not sure anyone else would. But she can certainly hint that as a member of Congress, she was part of some secret government plot to bring Castro down. A wink here, a nudge there. Slyly add, "And we'll be keeping a close eye on Raul." The crowd goes wild. And then maybe to cap it all off, she'll really bring the crazy and promise that if elected senator, she'll push for a full-scale invasion to liberate Elian Gonzalez.

Think this sounds nuts? Think it'll never happen? Look at who the candidate is. Frankly, I'm surprised she hasn't made attacking Cuba a cornerstone of her campaign, already.

Geekgasm

Dungeons & Dragons on DVD

If there was a better 80s cartoon, I don't want to know about it.